Saturday, October 22, 2005

Strange Warming

Like Charles Wesley, who spoke of his conversion as "I felt my heart strangely warmed," a friend's piercing declaration that I believe has left me in doubt of my doubting.

She was in pain from a prolongued double mourning and from searching and from finding prayer inadequate to the task. Out of nowhere I said that she might want to consider varying her prayers with adoration and thanksgiving and contrition, in addition to supplication.

"You do believe!" she exclaimed.

Out of nowhere I proclaim to another friend that she is godly. Out of nowhere I reassure yet another a believer that what some preacher's wife is trying to do, convince her that her particular take on Christianity is wrong, need not trouble her.

Yet I am an agnostic. A Christian agnostic with too much theology in my head. It all comes tumbling out without thinking. It all comforts. I can't help myself.


rick said...

Surely Stephen R. Donaldson wasn't writing about you when he related the tales of Thomas Covenant, was he?

Good to hear your voice.

Anonymous said...

It is good to be in doubt of one's own doubting. This is one's growth in understanding of what it all means.
Godly are we.
Know it is within your soul.

Joan said...

White print on a black background is actually rather difficult to read; the "best practice" to make text legible is black on yellow, or some similar degree of contrast.
Otherwise, fine.

Anonymous said...

We are in the same boat. I declare my unbelief, yet others contradict me and accuse me of belief.

You were raised Christian, steeped in the faith, perhaps, and so the "right" answers just naturally pop out. Right?

I can talk the talk, second nature, spontaneous, because it is so ingrained in my mind.

I know the mindset, I know the beliefs.

And so I can come across as a believer because it is encoded in my brain and it "warms my heart," even though I can't buy into it, intellectually.

Now, just don't rock the boat... sharks in the water... playing it safe is my policy.


Anonymous said...

The white words shine light on your darkness.